Shinigami Sexual Education
by TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds
Summary: The Shino Academy decides Sexual Education will become a mandatory, monthly part of the curriculum...until a trio of friends decide to make it the last...for awhile at least. Until the next generation comes along and then they impart their wisdom. T for mention of condoms, bananas and private parts :P Oneshot. Crackficx1000


"Because of recent events and realizations, today we're going to have a lesson in Sexual Education," the Shino Academy headmaster and captain of the Thirteenth Division, Captain Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto said.

The students stared at each other in horror. Kushira Hikamara slid way down in her seat. This was awful! She did NOT want to hear her father talking about sex! By no means!

Her best friend Jushiro Ukitake patted her on the shoulder comfortingly. Their other best friend Shunsui Kyoraku tried to fight back a laugh. "So to discuss this, we have invited a guest speaker," Kushira breathed a sigh of relief. "Please welcome Captain Senjumaru Shutara of the Ninth Division," Kushira paled.

"My aunt?" she squeaked in horror. Jushiro patted her shoulder again. A tall woman with long, black hair entered the room.

"Hello everyone," her voice was soft, "I hear some of you are already sexually active am I correct?"

"You actually expect people to answer that?" Kushira hissed to her friend Renge. Renge snickered and shrugged. Senjumaru continued on.

"So today I will start by discussing the basics of sexual intercourse"

That comment was met by a series of snickers from the class. Some of the more inappropriate students mimed sex acts at their desks. They were quickly silenced by a stern glare from the teacher. "It seems like some of you are already aware of the basics," she continued. She held up two drawings. One of a naked man and one of a naked woman. Certain parts were circled in red. "We will begin with the male anatomy"

"Is she serious?" one of their classmates mumbled. "This blows"

"Blows heheh," another classmate snickered.

Senjumaru glared at them. "You two," they looked up in alarm, "tell me what part this is," she pointed to the penis. The first boy who spoke smirked.

"The dick"

The class was shocked into silence. Senjumaru glared. "Appropriately," she said. He sighed.

"The penis"

"Good"

Senjumaru went over each male body part and the function it performed before moving to the female diagram. Kushira looked at the clock, they had only been here for ten minutes?! She quietly groaned and turned her attention back to the front of the room.

"Does a penis contain a bone?" a girl in their class, Akira asked. Everyone looked awkward. Senjumaru raised an eyebrow.

"Of course not, it's made up of muscles"

"So how come guys' penises get hard? Can I bend it since it doesn't have a bone? Won't it break?"

The members of the class were snickering and red-faced. Kushira had buried her face in her arms, wishing the floor would swallow her. Jushiro wasn't faring any better. It only got worse.

"Why don't you try it out on Noriaki?" Shunsui drawled. Jushiro's jaw dropped and Kushira's hand flew to her mouth. The student in question, Noriaki, slid lower in his chair as the class erupted in laughter.

Once the laughter had died down, a boy in the back row who was known for his genuinely stupid comments raised his hand. "If guys take birth control pills will we grow boobs?"

The laughter erupted again and Senjumaru was trying to get the students to calm down. "If taken long enough, men can develop breast size increase yes"

"Will his penis fall off?" Akira asked curiously.

Senjumaru sighed and shook her head. "No, but due to the estrogen his testicles may shrink". The class began snickering and Senjumaru sighed. "Now, I will demonstrate how to put on a condom," she pulled out a banana, a cucumber and a hot dog weenie along with a box of condoms. The classroom was staring at her in horror.

"I will never look at my aunt the same way," Kushira groaned, face on her desk. Jushiro just looked at her sympathetically.

Senjumaru held up the banana before setting it on a stand. "You stretch the condom like this…" she showed the condom, "and slide it on like this…" the students were torn between horror and amusement. "Then roll it down…" her hands slid down the banana and Kushira thunked her head on the desk repeatedly. "Now, I'm going to pass around a banana to each of you and I want you to practice"

The indignant squawks from the students sounded throughout the room as Senjumaru passed around a box of bananas and condoms. Kushira gingerly took a banana and dropped it on her desk. She passed the box to Jushiro who looked thoroughly uncomfortable as he took a banana as well. Shunsui didn't even flinch as he pulled one out.

The conversation was minimal, eye contact nonexistent when suddenly, a condom went flying through the air and everyone looked up. Shunsui was snickering, one condom on his assigned banana and he had sent a second condom flying through the air. No one could figure out where it had come from except his two best friends who looked like they would rather be anywhere but here.

Akira had apparently gotten hungry and had started eating her banana much to the snickers of her classmates. Most of the students had gotten the condom on and shoved the banana in the far corner of their desks but some kids were struggling with it. "Those are the guys girls need to stay away from," Shunsui whispered to his friends. Kushira made a noise of embarrassment and Jushiro had given up entirely.

"Now we're going to show several videos," Senjumaru said, "on reproduction"

Kushira let out another quiet groan. The video began playing and the first scene was a group of men and women frolicking naked on a beach. The class looked horrified. Kushira slid down in her seat and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

At some point, she found herself being shaken awake by Jushiro. "It's over," he whispered. She looked up groggily to see the students packing up.

"Thank god!" Kushira said. Finally, the torture was over and the students were practically tripping over each other to get out of the classroom. The trio of friends decided to leave via the window. "That was awful!" Kushira said once they were free, "I've never been more embarrassed in my life"

Shunsui snickered. "I have an idea on how we can get payback," he grinned. Jushiro and Kushira looked at him curiously. Shunsui held up the box of condoms, "we should paper Yama-jii's office in them"

"Nope, we really shouldn't," Jushiro said automatically. "Wait, _what_?" his green eyes looked mildly confused and Kushira widened hers.

"We can paper Yama-jii's office in condoms," Shunsui repeated. Jushiro and Kushira stared at each other in horror. "Oh come on," Shunsui drawled, "we have to get rid of them somehow"

"You could throw them away," Kushira argued.

"Or, I have a novel idea...you could actually use them," Jushiro pointed out sarcastically, "gods know you need them"

Shunsui nearly pouted, "aww but that's no fun!" Jushiro looked at his scruffy friend with an expression torn between disbelief, amusement and exasperation, "and besides, maybe we can get out of the monthly sex ed classes if we make things awkward"

Jushiro and Kushira exchanged another glance. They weren't going to talk Shunsui out of this idea.

"We don't have a choice do we?" Jushiro sighed. Shunsui shook his head. Kushira covered her eyes with her hand.

"My father is going to KILL us"

... … … … …

That night, Kushira slipped out of the co-ed dormitory to meet up with Shunsui and Jushiro. She had pulled her distinctive red hair under a dark hat. When she saw them, she noticed they were wearing dark hats too.

"Alright!" Shunsui whisper-shouted.

"Quiet Shun," Jushiro chastised.

The trio of friends quietly crept through the halls of the Shino Academy. Headmaster Yamamoto's office was perfect for this particular excursion. He had a huge bay window running along the side that faced the massive courtyard the students hung out in before and after class and occasionally met for training. Thanks to this window, his new decorating scheme would be seen by most, if not all, students.

Shunsui tossed each of his friends a box of condoms and they set about placing them over various objects and Kushira even went so far as to attach them to the ceiling, Jushiro offering to act as ladder. Even though the diminutive redhead was currently perched on his shoulders, she was struggling to reach the fan. Jushiro clambered onto the desk, making sure not to jostle her, in panic, she grabbed a handful of his white hair. Shunsui chuckled. _Brilliant. _Finally, she managed to tie the condom onto a string and tie the string onto the individual blades. As she scrambled from Jushiro's shoulders, they examined their work.

Kushira read the empty box in shocked amusement. "Who the hell needs 48 condoms?" she asked curiously. Jushiro grinned wickedly.

"Shunsui," he said calmly dodging a condom aimed for his head at the comment. "So Yamamoto-sensei has…" he calculated, "one hundred and forty four condoms scattered in his office," the three friends laughed at the thought. Shunsui pulled out his camera and began snapping pictures of the disaster.

"It's getting light outside," Kushira pointed out, grabbing her friends' wrists and pulling them down the hall. "We should get back"

The trio slipped into the coed dormitories and disappeared into their rooms to await the next morning.

Sure enough, when they met up in the breakfast hall, bleary-eyed and fighting the urge to fall asleep, Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto was sitting in his normal chair. They knew his routine: he would supervise breakfast, and as soon as the last student was out of the building and gathered in the courtyard for morning announcements, he would retire to his office to observe the students. The students would have ample time to view the trio's hard work before the captain realized what had transpired. The trio made sure they were not among the first few to leave, that would arouse suspicion, as would being among the last.

When they deemed the time appropriate, they hurried to the courtyard. A group of students was gathered around the bay window, laughing. The trio of friends were silently congratulating each other. The kido teacher, Tatsuya-sensei dispersed the kids and took one look at the office, before paling.

The three friends were sitting against the far corner of the Academy courtyard wall like three bluejays on a rock. Tatsuya-sensei had successfully managed to get the remaining students away from the spectacle and he cast a suspicious glance at the three notorious troublemakers who were coincidentally, the only three not surrounding the window. They cast him identically innocent stares and he sighed. As always, no proof. He shook his head and called the cleaning crew.

Sexual Education was no longer going to be a mandatory monthly class. If it appeared in the academy at all.

**1000 Years Later**

Captains Kushira Hikamara, Jushiro Ukitake and Shunsui Kyoraku were wandering the halls of the Academy.

"This sucks!" they heard a group of three students complaining.

"Why do we have to have sex ed? Most of us get enough practical education anyways," a redheaded boy complained.

The irony was not lost on the three captains. They approached the trio of students: a petite, cheery-looking brunette girl and two boys, one with red hair pulled into a short, spiked ponytail and peculiar-looking eyebrows, a mischievous and cocky glint in his brown eyes. The other boy was shorter, slenderer and cleaner-cut with light blonde hair.

"Well hello there," Kushira smiled.

"Captains!" the students gaped and stood at attention. The three captains laughed.

"Maa, no need to be so formal," Shunsui drawled.

The students blinked, they had never met anyone from the Gotei 13 aside from the recent graduates or their teachers and never a captain, much less three. The girl seemed to be a bit braver because she ventured to comment, "I know who you guys are…sorta…" she looked nervous but to her credit soldiered on, "I saw pictures, you guys were some the first graduates from the academy! You learned directly under Captain-Commander Yamamoto," she said in awe.

Kushira laughed. "My father was a good teacher, dry at times definitely…but that's beside the point…what's this about sex ed?"

The girl pouted and the blonde boy spoke. "Well ma'am," he began politely, "they just announced that they were going to try teaching sex ed again"

"Did they say why they stopped?" Shunsui drawled, tilting his hat slightly. His companions bit back smiles of amusement.

"Because some of the earlier students papered the headmaster's office in condoms," the redheaded boy said, a grin of admiration crossing his features. The trio of captains laughed and Shunsui pulled out a small photobook. Flipping through the pages, he found the ones he was looking for. He handed it to the students, who took it curiously. After a few brief moments their eyes widened.

"That was you guys?" the girl asked in awe. The three captains nodded and exchanged glances.

"It might not be such a bad thing to continue a tradition…" Shunsui mused.

Jushiro shook his head. "Don't be a moron Shun," he laughed and turned to the young recruits. "And what might your names be?"

"I'm Momo," the brunette said, "Momo Hinamori"

"Izuru Kira," the polite blonde boy said.

"Renji Abarai!" the vibrant redhead grinned cockily.

The three captains exchanged a glance and Kushira leaned forward. "There is a key to the headmaster's office in the mouth of the hideously terrifying lion statue outside the door on the left…the condoms are generally easy to obtain from the bag of whoever is teaching if they no longer hand out boxes of them," she murmured to the students.

"Not that we're condoning anything," Jushiro said hastily, the glint in his eyes betraying him.

The three students looked at each other. The redhead, Renji grinned, "no sir! We would never assume captains such as yourselves would condone such behavior"

Kushira glanced at the brunette girl and smiled warmly. The petite girl blushed under the kind green gaze. Turning back to her companions, Kushira sighed, "I suppose we should come back tomorrow to observe training right?" her fellow captains nodded. "It was delightful having this conversation with you guys, but I'm terribly afraid we must go," she smiled warmly. "Maybe we'll encounter each other again"

"Umm," Momo held up a finger hesitantly, "may we…" she tried to figure out how to say it, "umm…names, we would like to know your names…I mean, only if you want to tell us…" she was rambling, uncertain how to politely and respectfully ask. Kushira laughed and held up a hand to silence the girl.

"I'm Captain Kushira Hikamara," she smiled, "of the Tenth Division"

Shunsui stepped forward and kissed Momo's knuckles. "Captain Shunsui Kyoraku of the Eighth Division at your service milady," he winked and Momo blushed. Kushira shook her head. Jushiro rolled his eyes.

"I'm Captain Jushiro Ukitake," he said shaking their hands, "Thirteenth Division"

"You're the former students the detention halls are named after!" Renji widened his eyes. The three captains started laughing. Momo nudged Renji sharply.

"It's a pleasure to meet you captains!" the trio bowed and the captains swallowed their laughter.

"And you," they said kindly.

"I feel delightfully old returning here," Jushiro said in amusement. His companions made noises of agreement as they continued down the hall.

… … … … …

The following day, they were delighted to find the academy in a buzz about condoms having found their way into headmaster's office once more.

Sexual Education was, once again, no longer part of the Shino Academy curriculum.

The three captains celebrated.

Tatsuya-sensei was baffled.


End file.
